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  • James Eichenlaub

Twas The Night Afore Christmas

Updated: Apr 12


Twas the night before Christ's Mass

So quiet and dark

As we lay in our bed

In the old trailer park

There were no stockings hung

There's no chimney in here

No gifts to present

No holiday cheer

When outside our house

There arose such a clamor

Like someone was beating

Our door with a hammer

I threw back the blankets

I pulled the 9 from the drawer

Put one in the chamber

With the safety set, sure

I slipped down the hall and

Through the window sash saw

Twas our old drunken neighbor

With the long lower jaw

I opened the door and asked,

"Why are you here?"

He leaned on the door jam

With his bottle of beer

"Where the hell's all your lights,
What's wrong with ya'll?"

In his stupor, he said,

"I don't get it, at all...
why ya can't just do Christmas
Like the rest of us do."

I just shook my head

As I pulled the door to.

"There's no need to explain
What you don't want to hear,
And that bottle you're holding
Is 'your' holiday cheer.
This tradition has nothing
To with our Lord
This isn't his birthday
I can say that for sure.
It's something the Romans
Who murdered the Christ
Concocted along with
The rest of their lies
So go home and sleep it off,
Maybe one day you'll find
That this all came about
Cause the "blind lead the blind""

And I heard him exclaim as

He stumbled from sight

"Well, I happen to like it
So screw you and good night!"
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